Harry Potter and the Order of the Penis
by M.M. Rowling
Summary: Harry Potter's waking in the middle of the night, wetting the bed.
1. Dudley Retarded

CHAPTER ONE

DUDLEY RETARDED

Harry Potter was lying on his back in a flower bed outside the living room window.

His jeans were pulled down.

He was about two seconds away from coming when a gunshot broke the silence.

Harry was going to finish; he ejaculated. His cum shot onto Uncle Vernon's face, sticking his head out of the window, and the resultant facial made Aunt Petunia scream.

Uncle Vernon choked Harry.

" _Fucking — put — it — away_!" Uncle Vernon snarled. " _Wanker_! _Before — fucking — someone — sees_!"

"Get — the — fuck — off — me!" Harry gasped.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing?" asked Uncle Vernon.

"What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?" said Harry.

Aunt Petunia looked pissed.

"What were you doing under our window?"

"Looking at porn," said Harry.

" _Again_?"

"Well, I'm horny, you see," said Harry.

Harry strode off toward the park.

Harry caught up with Dudley.

"Hey, Small D!"

"Eat a dick."

"So who've you been gang raping tonight?"

"Faggot was checking me out."

"Yeah? You like that, you fucking retard?"

"Think you're bad, mutie?" Dudley said.

"I got a Big Dick."

"I heard you fapping in your bed," said Dudley. " _Moaning_."

"What's it to you, bitch?" Harry said.

"Who's Cedric — your fuck buddy?"

Harry put a knife to Dudley's throat.

"Put that shit down!"

" _I could kill you if I wanted to_."

The night was suddenly pitch-black.

"W-what are you d-doing? R-rape!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"R-rape!"

"I said shut the fuck up!"

"I'll c-call the police!" Dudley whimpered.

"Will you please shut the hell up?" Harry hissed.

 _WHAM!_

A fist made contact with Harry's dick.

"You dumbass, Dudley!" Harry yelled.

A hooded figure was gliding toward him, smacking its lips.

The demanter reached for him.

Harry's wand was limp.

The demanter's fingers were closing on his cock.

He was never going to fuck again —

" _EXPECTO PATRONUM_!"

A demanter was crouching over Dudley, lowering its head toward his chode about to blow him.…

The demanter was an inch in when the silver stag mounted it.

Dudley lay traumatized.

Mrs. Schizo came into sight.

"Obama's a nigger!" she shrieked.


	2. A Shitload of Owls

CHAPTER TWO

A SHITLOAD OF OWLS

"Get your fat ass off the ground!" Mrs. Figg shrieked at Dudley.

She kicked Dudley's head.

"Get _up_ , you useless piece of shit!"

Dudley was dick dead.

"Fuck it." Harry levitated Dudley.

Harry and Dudley made their way up to the front door.

Dudley projectile vomited on Aunt Petunia.

"What the fuck?"

Aunt Petunia projectile vomited on Dudley. Harry's uncle slipped on his shit.

"Why are you covered in shit?"

"Holy shit — have you been raped?"

Aunt Petunia called the police.

"Hello? 999. Breaker 999. 999 emergency."

Dudley regained consciousness.

" _Harry_."

"Did he have his way with you?" Uncle Vernon said.

"Did he use — his _thing_?" Aunt Petunia said.

"Hell no!" Harry said, as Uncle Vernon pointed a gun at him.

An owl swooped in through the window. It shat an envelope.

"SON OF A BITCH!" bellowed Uncle Vernon, as he shot the owl.

Dear Mr. Potter,

We have received intel that you performed two charms this evening.

Under the Decree for Reasonable Restriction of Underage Dickery, Ministry representatives will be dispatched shortly to destroy your ass.

Get bent,

Mafalda Hopkirk

IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE

 _Ministry of Magic_

"Get the fuck out!" yelled Uncle Vernon.

"I'm going to stay here if you don't mind —"

"If you don't get the fuck out I'm going to kill you," said Uncle Vernon.

"I do what I want," said Harry.

An owl collided with the window.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

 _Harry_ —

 _DO NOT SURRENDER YOUR BOOTY._

Arthur Weasley

" _What did you fucking do_?" roared Uncle Vernon.

"Pulled a knife on me," Dudley mumbled.

"Hey Dudley, you snitch ass mothafucka!" said Harry. "Shut the fuck up —"

"I h-heard … _voices_ ," Dudley said.

"So you mind fucked my son?" said Uncle Vernon.

"Two cockgobblers turned up," said Harry.

"His _penis_? They didn't take — he's still got his —"

She pantsed Dudley.


	3. The Asshole Guard

CHAPTER THREE

THE ASSHOLE GUARD

 _I've just been raped by demanters. I want to know what the fuck's going on, you sorry sons of bitches_.

Harry addressed these words to Sirius, Ron, and Hermione.

Harry dreaded the thought of the Ministry hearing.

What if his dick was snapped in half?

One night Harry's uncle entered his bedroom.

"Later, you homo," he said.

Uncle Vernon locked the door.

The Dursleys left Harry's bitch ass to starve. He lay in his room.

There was a noise in the kitchen below.

He snatched up his wand. His door swung open.

"Why are we all standing with our dicks in our hands?" said a woman's voice. " _Turn on the fucking lights_."

Mad-Eye Moody, Remus Lupin, and a bunch of assholes were crowded around the stairs.

Harry stowed his wand into the front pocket of his jeans.

"Don't put your shit there!" roared Moody. "Wizards have lost penises, you know!"

"Who d'you know who's got a stump for a tapioca sprinkler?" the woman asked.

"Lucky the Dursleys are out …" Harry mumbled.

"They think they're heading off to the prize-giving of the All-Limey Fattest-Kid Competish.… Dumb bastards."

Lupin pointed.

"This is Tonks —"

"Please Mr. Lupin, call me Bitches," said the witch.

"And the rest of you peasants no one gives a fuck —"

"We're your bodyguards," said Moody.

Tonks turned her hair pink.

"How did you fucking do that?" said Harry.

"I'm a lesbian," she said.

"You're a Metamorphmagus?" said Harry.

"I was born one," said Tonks.

"Can you learn how to be a Metamorphmagus?" Harry asked.

"Bet you wouldn't mind hiding that ugly ass face, eh?"

"Fuck you," Harry mumbled.

Tonks threw Harry's shit into the trunk.

Back in the kitchen, Kingsley Shacklebolt and Sturgis Podmore were examining a vibrator.

They all stepped outside.

Harry kicked off.

They were flying in fucking circles for hours.

"ARE WE FUCKING THERE YET?" Tonks screamed. "Our genitalia are frozen to our brooms!"

They touched down in a small square.

"Where the hell are we?" Harry asked.

Moody raised a lighter into the air and lit a fag.


	4. The Shittiest Place on Earth

CHAPTER FOUR

THE SHITTIEST PLACE ON EARTH

"Where the hell are we?" Harry asked.

They entered a house.

Mrs. Weasley punched Harry in the stomach.

"Ron and Hermione are upstairs. And keep your shit down."

Harry opened the bedroom door.

Hermione punched him in the stomach.

"HARRY!"

"Let him breathe," said Ron, punching him in the stomach.

An owl landed on Harry's shoulder.

"Hedwig's been a real cunt," said Ron.

He showed Harry the middle finger of his right hand.

"Oh yeah," Harry said. "Up yours.…"

He felt like fucking Ron and Hermione up.

"So why's Dumbledore been keeping me in the closet?" Harry asked.

"Maybe he thinks you are not to be trusted," said Ron.

Harry had a field day.

"YOU'VE BEEN HERE TOGETHER GETTING EACH OTHER OFF! I'VE BEEN STUCK AT THE DURSLEYS' HOLDING MY DICK! WHO FUCKED UP QUEERRELL? WHO LAID WHOOPASS ON RIDDLE? WHO COCKBLOCKED THE DEMANTERS? WHO GAVE VOLDEMORT THE D?"

"Dumbledore threatened to kill us —"

"ONE MONTH I'VE BEEN STUCK IN PRIVET DRIVE, HOLDING MY DICK —"

"We're not allowed to know jack shit!" said Hermione. "Pipe the fuck down!"

"What _is_ this shitty place?" he shot at Ron and Hermione.

"Headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix," said Ron.

"Where _Voldy_ at?" said Harry, pulling out a switchblade.

"Fuck if we know," said Hermione. "We don't know dick."

"So what have you two been doing, fucking around?" Harry demanded.

"We have not," said Hermione.

The door got kicked in.

"Bill's here and queer," said Ginny.

"Remember Fleur Delacour?" said George. "She's fucking him straight —"

"Is Percy here?" Harry asked.

"Percy was promoted to Assistant Bitch to the Minister," said Ron.

"Bet Percy jizzed his pants."

"He's sucking Fudge's cock at the Ministry of Magic now," said Ron, shaking his head.

"Percy said you're full of shit," said Ron. "He thinks you're a grade A bitch."

"Percy takes the _Daily Shit_ seriously," said Hermione.

"They think you're a fucking joke," said Hermione.

They descended the stairs.

Tonks tripped over the umbrella stand, clumsy bitch.

The old bitch behind the curtains freaked the fuck out.

" _Oh lawdy Jesus! It's cuz I'm Black_ , _isn't it_?"

A man came charging.

" _Yoooou_!" she howled.

"Superman — dat — HO!" roared the man, swinging the troll leg at the portrait.

The bitch died.


	5. The Order of the Penis

CHAPTER FIVE

THE ORDER OF THE PENIS

"Who the fuck was that?" Harry asked.

"My cunt mum," said Sirius. "This is my crib. I offered it to Dumbledore for headquarters — I'm a really useful engine."

Harry and Sirius went into the kitchen.

A haze of marijuana smoke hung in the air.

Mrs. Weasley cleared her throat.

Bill put out his joint.

Tonks sent a bag of weed toppling over the table.

"For fuck's sake," said Mrs. Weasley.

"Some'n need a light?" Mundungus mumbled.

Mundungus blew clouds of ganja smoke.

Sirius turned to Harry.

"How's it going?"

"It's been shit."

"Don't know what you're being a whiny little bitch about. I've been stuck inside jerking off."

Fred and George slipped on their shit. Dinner hurtled toward the table.

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO WHIP YOUR LITTLE DICKS OUT JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO NOW!" screamed Mrs. Weasley.

Mrs. Weasley beat the shit out of the twins.

"So where Voldy at?" said Harry.

The room was silent. Lupin, who had been about to take a sip of wine, farted.

"You haven't told us jack shit!" said George.

"Don't tell 'em," said Mrs. Weasley. "You ain't even, you ain't even gotta tell 'em."

"He's not a bitch!" said Sirius.

"He's not _James_!" said Mrs. Weasley.

"Fuck you," said Sirius. "He's not your son."

"Fuck you," said Mrs. Weasley.

"I want to know what the fuck's been going on," Harry said.

Sirius was right, he was _no_ bitch.

"Fine," said Mrs. Weasley. "Ginny — Ron — Hermione — Fred — George — beat it."

"Harry'll tell me and Hermione everything, won't you?" said Ron.

"Hey, don't be looking at me," Harry said.

"Don't look at Harry Potter!" shouted Mrs. Weasley. "Harry Potter ain't gonna help you! Get your asses out — NOW!"

Ron raged quit.


	6. Big Black Dick

CHAPTER SIX

BIG BLACK DICK

"If everyone's not awake, then I'm a faggot.…"

Harry climbed into his bed.

 _Cracker_.

"FUCK!"

"Keep your shit down."

"You two just Apparated on my dick!"

Fred and George body slammed Ron.

"So, tell us everything," said George.

"'Course I will, fucking not," said Harry.

Harry fell asleep.

Mrs. Weasley, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred, and George entered the drawing room.

"Take a gun," Mrs. Weasley said. " _What_ the hell's that little slave been doing —"

Hermione threw a look at Mrs. Weasley.

"Kreacher is old as fuck —"

"Kreacher is a lazy piece of shit," said Sirius.

"When I say the word, start shooting immediately," Mrs. Weasley said.

She raised her weapon. "Fire in the _hole_!"

Harry pumped those pixy fags full of lead.

"We want to experiment with marijuana laced with doxy venom," George told Harry.

Harry sprayed some bullets.

"Stoner Snackboxes are a range of sweets to get you high," George whispered.

"We're running it in the Silk Road," said Fred.

The curtains were damp with blood; dead doxies lay limp.

Mrs. Weasley left the room.

Mundingus was here.

"WE ARE NOT RUNNING A CORNER FOR CRACK COCAINE!"

A house-elf edged into the room.

"This is Kreacher, Harry," said Hermione.

"The Shitblood speaks."

Hermione stomped on Kreacher.

Sirius stepped over Kreacher's unconscious body to where a tapestry hung.

A size chart read:

BIGGEST BLACKEST DICK

"PAS HOMOSEXUEL"

"You're number one!" said Harry.

"I'm about six inches," said Sirius, "off the ground!"

Sirius jabbed a finger at the name REGULUS BLACK.

"He was bigger than me," said Sirius, "as I was constantly teased."

"But he ded," said Harry.

"Fucking idjit … he joined the Dick Eaters."

"You're yanking my cock!"

"There's Pig Benis … my great-great-grandfather."

"Draco Malfoy's last!"

"The pure-blood families are all incest," said Sirius.

"Dumbledore came last night, and had not asked to see your lame ass," said Mr. Weasley.

Dumbledore was a bastid.


	7. The Ministry of Shit

CHAPTER SEVEN

THE MINISTRY OF SHIT

The visitor's entrance to the Ministry of Magic was located in the ghetto.

Mr. Weasley and Harry stepped inside a dumpster.

A female voice sounded inside the dumpster.

"Welcome to the Ministry of Magic faggots. Please take your badge and pin it on your ass."

Harry attached a badge with _Harry Potter, Dick Head_ on it to the front of his suit.

"You are required to submit to a body cavity search at the security checkpoint, which is located up your ass."

The dumpster sank into the ground.

"The Ministry of Magic wishes you a pleasant fucking day," said the woman's voice.

Mr. Weasley and Harry stood at the end of a long ass hall.

They passed a fountain. A sign beside it read:

 _All proceeds from the Fountain will be given to St. Mutie's Hospital_

 _If I'm expelled from Hogwarts, I'll do a shit,_ Harry found himself thinking.

They stepped toward security. A fat ass wizard looked up and put down his porn magazine.

"Spread your cheeks," said the wizard.

Harry walked over and the wizard patted him down.

"Eleven inches, been in use zero years."

"Gay," Harry said.

Harry followed Mr. Weasley to the lift and moved inside it.

A wizard waved them down.

"Hey," he said.

"Yeah, the guy in the four thousand galleon suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in three months," said Harry. "Come ON!"

"Ah, Harry, this is Bode," said Mr. Weasley.

"Eat my asshole," said Bode.

Harry was fashionably late to the hearing. He kicked in the door and strutted inside the courtroom.


	8. The Fappening

CHAPTER EIGHT

THE FAPPENING

Harry entered a large dungeon. His dick shriveled up. This was the place where little Farty Crotch exposed himself.

"Sit the fuck down," said a voice.

He slumped on the chair in the center of the room and kicked his feet up.

There were fifty people wearing white robes with a blood drop cross on the left breast.

In the very middle sat Cornelius Fudge, Grand Wizard.

"The faggot being present — get ready to get fucked," said Fudge.

"Objection, bitch — attorney for the defense," said a voice behind Harry.

"Motherfuck," said Fudge.

Albus Dumbledore plopped down on a recliner next to Harry and kicked his feet up.

Fudge read some bullshit charges.

"You are Harry Jimmy John Potter?" Fudge said.

"Nigga, you blind?" Harry said.

"You produced a fully erect Patronus?" boomed Madam Bones.

" _Demanters_ ," Harry said, holding his hands up.

There was an uproar.

"Two of them tried to jerk my cousin," said Harry.

Then there was an awkward silence.

"We call a witness to the stand," Dumbledore said.

Percy swore in Mrs. Fugg.

"Harry tried to rape a demanter in self-defense," said Mrs. Figg.

"Those in favor of ruling the accused innocent of all charges?" said Madam Bones.

Harry raised his middle finger.

Fudge glanced around. He then said, "When it comes to fifteen year old Harry, you are … not guilty."

Harry jumped out of his chair and popped and locked to OutKast's _The Way You Move_ while the audience cheered loudly.


	9. The PMS of Mrs Weasley

CHAPTER NINE

THE PMS OF MRS. WEASLEY

Harry and Mr. Weasley reached the ninth-level corridor. Cornelius Fuck was talking to a man with a phallic face.

"What's up … Penis Potter," said Lucius Malfoy.

"The minister was just telling me about the way you continue to get into very tight holes.… _Penislike_ …"

"Yeah," said Harry, "yeah, this guy fucks.…"

"And what the fuck are you doing here, Arthur Weasley?"

"I fucking work here," said Mr. Weasley.

"Deliveries are in the back," said Mr. Malfoy.

"What the fuck are _you_ doing here?" Harry asked.

"None of your goddamn business," said Malfoy.

Fudge and Malfoy strode off.

"What the fuck was he doing down here?" Harry burst out.

"Trying to give Fudge some top," said Mr. Weasley.

"If Fudge is meeting Dick Eaters, how do we know they haven't cucked him?" said Harry.

"Dumbledore thinks Fudge is acting of his own homosexuality," muttered Mr. Weasley.

Harry remembered to take a golden shower in the fountain.

"I fucking knew it!" yelled Ron, punching Harry when he entered the kitchen. "You always get away with shit!"

"Everyone knew I'd give them a facial," said Harry.

Fred, George, and Ginny did the ass dance that went " _Stop, now make that motherfucker Hammer time like_ —"

"Oh, if I didn't have this bad hip, I'd drop it like it's hot — whoo!" said Mrs. Weasley.

"Yeah, Dumbledore swung his dick for me," said Harry.

Sirius was more suicidal than before.

"Hurry up and die already!" said Hermione.

"That's a bit fucked up," said Ron.

"Are you done yet?" said Hermione.

"Still not finished scrubbing out the cupboard?" Mrs. Weasley said.

"No, man!" said Ron. "Damn, stop sweating me!"

Ron dropped a deuce.

"Booklists have arrived," he said. " _The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 5,_ by Miranda Goskank and _Defensive Magical Theory,_ by Wilbert Blowhard."

"Dumbledore's found a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, " said George. "Surprising, when you look at what's happened to the last four fucks."

"One deceased, one's retarded, one outed, and one cucked in a trunk," said Harry.

"Fuck you looking at, Ron?" asked Fred.

Ron was standing with his mouth open, gaping.

"Wanna go, mate?" said Fred.

Fred's mouth fell open too.

"Prefect?" he said. " _Prefuck_?"

"We thought you were a cunt!" said Fred.

Harry took the badge.

Hermione kicked the door open.

"Ron's prefect," Harry said.

" _Oh my fuck_ ," said Hermione.

Mrs. Weasley backed her ass into the room.

"That's every man in the family!"

"What are Fred and I, faggots?" said George.

"You've got to have a reward for this!" said Mrs. Weasley.

"Can I have a new dick?" said Ron.


End file.
